Kelvin Glass was born to be famous. At least, in his own head, he was...

For all his late teens to his early twenties- superstar wannabe Kelvin would scour the back pages of music mags, checking out the “Wanted” ads, then turning up for auditions the length and breadth of Britain, primed and ready for his big break. Problem was, he was tone deaf, had two left feet, and couldn’t play an instrument if his life depended on it. Suffice to say, Kelvin remained very much "Unwanted".

Depressed and still living at home, Glass continued checking out the classifieds; only this time the ads were the personals. Clearly gay, Kelvin was a man in permanent denial, and wasted years of his life meeting up with single women, only for them to about-turn the instant they clapped eyes on him.

Kelvin's luck suddenly changed, however, just as he entered his thirties; his parents died in a plane crash, and being an only child, he was left not only their home, but a six figure lump sum in cash. Glass hooked up with Magenta Milk, a low-budget female porn star he spied on the internet.

With nymphomaniac Magenta’s help, Kelvin eventually found a form of self-acceptance. Six months after meeting, she gave up pornos, and the happy couple became man and wife. But it was no more than a marriage of convenience; Magenta helped keep up the pretence of Kelvin’s heterosexuality in exchange for a hassle-free, designer label lifestyle.

Emotionally content for the first time in his life, Kelvin was switching channels on the tv one evening when he encountered the X-Factor, and had his eureka moment; if these hopeless cases could get on tv, then with his music business "experience" and his wife's fetish look, Kelvin could too! He hatched a plan to use online social networking sites such as youtube, myspace and facebook to launch his own solo career.

Following the death of Michael Jackson, Kelvin released his interpretation of Jacko's "Bad", re-naming the song, "Glass" , and despite getting abuse from Michael's fans, he remained undeterred; people were watching him, and that was all he ever wanted...

Kelvin Glass is the ultimate metrosexual male- a wispy, effeminate little creature who somehow has managed to pull a sexual animal of a woman. Aware of this, Kelvin is savvy enough to ensure she appears scantily clad in all his videos; this helps viewing figures, as people tend to endure his limited singing and dancing talents if his other half is in latex and/or stockings! (This is not undifferent from any modern-day boyband video which features women with very few clothes on).

Following on from "Bad", Kelvin has since covered Blondie, Robert Palmer, Elton John and Motley Crue. Versions of songs by the likes of Kate Bush, Judas Priest, George Michael and Aerosmith are imminent.

Indeed, with his YouTube rendition of Elton's "Kiss the Bride" (re-named "I Wanna Glass the Bride") recently bringing Kelvin to the attention of hugely popular YouTuber "Roswell73" , and with the prospect of an interview for Roswell's very succesful channel on the cards, Kelvin Glass may well yet achieve that fame and glory he was born for, all along.

Kelvin Glass

"If you want a playboy,

baby I'm your man!"

- Kelvin Glass